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Old 2nd July 2008, 12:37 AM   #1 (permalink)
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7 People From Around the World With Real Mutant Superpowers

#1.
The Godhand




Real Name: Choi Yeong-eui, later changed to Masutatsu Oyama

Superpower: Super-Karate!

Masutatsu Oyama was born in Korea in 1927 and later moved to Japan, where he studied karate. Unlike most famous martial artists, Oyama is not famous for his movie roles, where stunt men and clever editing can make anyone look like a badass.

No, Oyama preferred a different sort of theater. He used to have live public demonstrations where he would fight and kill a bull with his bare hands. Just because it bears repeating, let's write that again: He could kill a bull with his hands. If you want to know how idiotically hard that is, we cordially invite you to go out and punch a bull in the face. Go on, we'll wait here. OK, we're not really waiting since whoever just went out to try that isn't coming back.

All in all, Oyama fought and killed 52 bulls, three of which were killed instantly with one blow. Forty-nine had their horns chopped off with karate blows. He gained the nickname of The Godhand and was considered the living manifestation of the Japanese warrior's maxim "One strike, certain death."

If you're thinking his skills only worked against livestock, you should know that Oyama once tested himself in a kumite, a series of two-minute fights against different opponents, each of which you must win to continue. Oyama took on 300 men over the course of three days. According to some, the only reason it didn't reach 400 was because opponents started to get tired of getting punched in the face.

There have been three movies made based on his life: Champion of Death, Karate Bearfighter, and Karate for Life. That's right, there exists in the world a movie based on an actual man's life that wound up with the title Karate Bearfighter. Why? Because it's probable Oyama actually fought a goddamn bear once, and that bear is buried in a shallow grave covered in dirt and the tears of his relatives as we speak.

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#2.
Zamora the Torture King






Real Name: Tim Cridland

Superpower: Super Pain Tolerance

Tim Cridland is an entertainer and a former member of the Jim Rose Circus, which you may remember as that really creepy circus from that episode of The X-Files with the murderous conjoined twin fetus thing.

Anyway, Tim specializes in sword swallowing, fire walking, sleeping on beds of nails (once even with a Toyota over him), body skewering and electrocuting himself. Tim says he can do this because he has mastered mind over matter. Researchers on the other hand call bullshit and say it's because Tim was born with a mutation that makes it so he doesn't feel pain the way normal people do.

It's not that Tim and his ilk can't feel anything, because they can feel when they are touched, and they can feel temperature. They simply do not register pain thanks to malfunctioning receptors in the nerve cells that tell your brain "Ow-****-get-the-hand-off-the-stove!"


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#3.
Jet-Man






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Real Name: Yves Rossi

Superpower: Flight, via a rocket pack strapped to his back.

Yves Rossi is a Swiss professional pilot and aeronautical engineer (we hope, since he designed his own jet pack) who, claiming to be inspired by his hero Batman, realized the first jet-pack-powered flight.

At this point someone should write the man a nice letter explaining to him that Batman doesn't really fly at all. We'd do it ourselves, but we don't like to argue about comics with a man who jumps out of a plane wearing nothing but a flammable death trap strapped to his ass. For all we care he can say Superman talks to fish, as long as he keeps flying homemade jet packs while he's saying it.

As you see, he doesn't just run along the ground and wait for his jet pack to lift him into the air. He throws himself out of a ****ing plane, knowing either his invention will work or men in hazmat suits will be raking him into a trash bag in a few minutes. If you're still wondering where the mutant part of this guy's super power comes in, than you obviously haven't considered the size of the balls it takes to do what he does.

Jet-Man's jet pack is capable of flying at a speed of 160 mph for up to six minutes. After those six minutes, Yves has to activate his secondary power, the Go-go-gadget-oh-please-God-don't-let-it-fail-parachute since there is no way to land the jet pack without becoming a red and chrome stain on the ground.


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#4.
MONKFORCE!



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Real Names: Numerous Buddhist monks

Superpower: Generating magical heat energy from their bodies.

Experts have been studying Buddhist monks for more than 20 years, trying to figure out just how in the hell they're doing what they do. By using a meditation technique called Tum-mo, these monks can lower their metabolism by 64 percent. To put it in perspective, your metabolism only drops 10 to 15 percent when you sleep. And yes, you should feel bad that there are people who make you look uptight when you're asleep.

But far more awesome than that, the monks can also increase the temperatures of their fingers and toes by 17 degrees. No one knows how.

This control over their body temperature allows the monk to comfortably survive in temperatures experts call "scrotum-negating, penguin-urine cold." Not only that, in an experiment that sounds more like outright torture, a group of monks were put in a cold room with cold, wet sheets draped around them. We're not sure if some ******* scientists simply yelled "Hey, I found Nirvana inside this room," and then slammed the door shut after the curious monks went in to check. But using their body-temperature-controlling meditation the monks managed to avoid becoming very holy popsicles.

It's believed the monks' techniques can one day be taught to astronauts to be used during space travel, since during their meditation they consume far less resources. And once the astronauts arrive on another planet, they'll likely find a group of Buddhist monks waiting, having effortlessly teleported themselves there with their minds.


************************************************** ************************************************** ****

#5.
Mister Eat Everything (aka The Human Goat)





Real Name:
Michel Lotito

Superpower: Super-Eating

This basically means the guy can eat and even digest metal, glass and even toxic, poisonous material without going "Oh, shit! What was I thinking!" before puking blood and dying, which is what normally happens when other people try.

Michel Lotito's stomach lining is twice as thick as normal, a rare condition that most doctors agree developed in the womb, though nobody is sure how. Was a pregnant Mrs. Lotito bitten by a radioactive billy goat giving goat genes to Le Fetus Mangetout? We're forced to assume so until prove otherwise.

Lotito knew that fate had endowed him with special powers, so he answered the call and when he was 9-years-old, he started eating a television set. In the years since, Lotito got himself a career in entertainment eating bicycles, supermarket trolleys and even a coffin (there was no body inside ... or so he claims).

Lotito even entered the Guinness book of records when he ate a goddamn airplane. Sure, it took him two years to do it, but he ate two pounds of metal per day during the whole thing. Recent X-rays show he still has pieces of metal in his stomach and even a chain still stuck in there.

As journalists, we feel compelled to draw your attention to the fact that his special power wasn't eating an airplane, so much as it was shitting an airplane. Anybody can swallow a foreign object. The other side of the equation is where it gets hard, and on our team of real-life superheroes, we're thinking the plane-shitting would actually be more useful than anything the Das Uberboy does (hey, we have some specific goals in mind).


************************************************** ************************************************** ****

#6.
Captain Sonar




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Real Name: Ben Underwood

Superpower: Super Echolocation

That's a fancy way of saying he can "see" with sounds. Basically he's Daredevil, minus the girlfriends who become porn stars in Mexico, getting killed by ninjas and being Ben Affleck. So much, much better when you think about it.

Human echolocation is not really new. You can ask James "the blind traveler" Holman all bout it, assuming you have access to a working Ouija board since the guy has been dead for a century and a half. There is even an organization called World Access for the blind that teaches people how to use echolocation. But, few people have been able to take echolocation as far as Ben Underwood.

Ben was diagnosed with retinal cancer at the age of two and had his eyes removed at three. While this can easily go into our upcoming article "Top 7 Most Horrible Things God Can do to Children," Ben's story takes a different turn when at five, he learns he can detect things around him by making quick clicking noises with his tongue.

He's gotten so good at it that he's now capable of Rollerblading, skateboarding, playing basketball, foosball and even video games.


************************************************** ************************************************** ****

#7.
Das Uberboy




Real Name: Unknown

Uberboy's name is being kept secret, presumably to protect the lives of his loved ones once Uberboy dons a mask and begins patrolling the streets of the world righting wrongs.

Superpower: Bona fide Super-Strength.

One day in 1999 a little baby boy was born in Germany, at first glance no different from any other. But, the nurses noticed that the baby's muscles were twitching and called the doctors to check him out. We can only assume Uberbaby was showing off his guns to the ladies since when doctors examined the kid, they reached a unanimous conclusion: he was ripped as hell.

But how did this happen? Was there a fully equipped gym inside his mom's uterus? No, as it turns out that's an extraordinarily stupid idea. It's actually a real X-Men-style genetic mutation that changes the way his body controls muscle growth. Cattle farmers have been intentionally using it for years to breed huge, muscular cows.

What we do know is that at 4-years-old, Uberboy could lift six times more weight than an average kid. If in a few years you see a guy clubbing a bank robber in the head with a minivan, you'll know what the hell is going on.

Scientists, instead of building giant laser shooting robots to hunt him down, decided to study him and try to find ways to use this new knowledge to help people with muscle dystrophy. And by that we assume they mean turn regular people into muscle-bound supermen to populate their Army of Doom.

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Old 2nd July 2008, 01:28 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Re: 7 People From Around the World With Real Mutant Superpowers

Whoaa!!! great!! number 1 4 6 damn salute!!!

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Old 2nd July 2008, 01:34 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Re: 7 People From Around the World With Real Mutant Superpowers

i think got show about #6 recently..think is art central

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Old 2nd July 2008, 01:36 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Re: 7 People From Around the World With Real Mutant Superpowers

cool.

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Old 2nd July 2008, 01:42 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Re: 7 People From Around the World With Real Mutant Superpowers

cool...

of the 7 mentioned here, i only noe about the daredevil guy n the painless guy...

wowwww...
power...


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Old 2nd July 2008, 01:42 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Re: 7 People From Around the World With Real Mutant Superpowers

I am impressed by the monk. I hope he will do like a world tour. healing ppl and stuff. hmmmm i wonder how much he will charge

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Old 2nd July 2008, 01:54 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Re: 7 People From Around the World With Real Mutant Superpowers

if i got gods hand i will try to punch a hole thru ocbc`s vault ^^

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Old 2nd July 2008, 02:07 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Re: 7 People From Around the World With Real Mutant Superpowers

Amazing! Especially the Qi Gong Master and Ben Underwood.

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Old 2nd July 2008, 04:34 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Re: 7 People From Around the World With Real Mutant Superpowers

HEROES!!!

save the environment save the world!!

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Old 2nd July 2008, 04:37 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Re: 7 People From Around the World With Real Mutant Superpowers

Originally Posted by Powerful one View Post
i think got show about #6 recently..think is art central
yap...
i think it s called the HUman Spirit of something like tat...

the lastest installation was on a Tree Man...
got some skin condition tat roughen up n make him look like a tree...
his fingers r like branches...


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Old 2nd July 2008, 06:14 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Re: 7 People From Around the World With Real Mutant Superpowers

whoa they shld make a movie based on this, HEROES

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Old 2nd July 2008, 06:45 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Re: 7 People From Around the World With Real Mutant Superpowers

Woah...
Cool powers...especially the last one
Muscular baby FTW ! XD

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Old 2nd July 2008, 07:26 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Re: 7 People From Around the World With Real Mutant Superpowers

wow.. and they even tried to hunt the last one down.. =X

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Old 2nd July 2008, 07:46 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Re: 7 People From Around the World With Real Mutant Superpowers

awesome..

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Old 3rd July 2008, 12:07 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Re: 7 People From Around the World With Real Mutant Superpowers

# 7 can b deadly if falls into wrong hands

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Old 3rd July 2008, 12:18 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Re: 7 People From Around the World With Real Mutant Superpowers

Lol Oyama is cool lol, he just recently had a movie come out depicting his battles and all, it was called fighter in the wind, its a korean movie, lol i bet all the members of oyama karate are proud

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Old 3rd July 2008, 06:31 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Re: 7 People From Around the World With Real Mutant Superpowers

Wow COOL, especially the Super Strength!! Thanks for sharing!

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Old 5th July 2008, 03:12 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Re: 7 People From Around the World With Real Mutant Superpowers

wats the uberboy name?? a german??

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Old 5th July 2008, 11:44 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Re: 7 People From Around the World With Real Mutant Superpowers

Very nice info. Tks for sharing.

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Old 5th July 2008, 11:50 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Re: 7 People From Around the World With Real Mutant Superpowers

Cool !
thanks for sharing !!
That torment one is abit disgusting.. :/

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