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Old 14th September 2011, 02:09 PM   #1 (permalink)
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My argumentative essay: Please comment

Alright, I've registered as a private candidate for English O Level this year because I got a D7 for previous year O Level. My aim is to get as least a pass for this year O Level English. I've written an essay and I would need help from you guys to comment on my essay.

Given the limited land available in Singapore, is it wise to set aside some areas as nature reserves?
(Taken from GCE “O”-Level 2006)


Is it wise to use the limited land available as nature reserves? Would it be better if it is used for urban development? What will happen if there is no more land available in Singapore?

People would argue that the limited land in Singapore is insufficient for urban development, for e.g. building new houses, office building and shopping centre. Thus, they would feel unwise to set aside land as nature reserves. In contrast, they feel that the land should be used for urban development because such development brings about economic growth in a country while nature reserves do not. Therefore, it would be unwise to set aside some areas as nature reserves.

Moreover, not many would appreciate the nature reserves. Many would feel that having a nature reserves is a wasting the lands available as it would not attract people to visit there. Instead, the lands could have been used for better development as mentioned in the earlier paragraph. Therefore, it would be unwise to set aside some areas as nature reserves.

However, in my opinion, no matter how limited land is available in Singapore, there is a need to set aside some areas as nature reserves. This is to preserve the nature environment. As human demand for more land for urban development, we can see nature environment being destroyed. As a result, we will need to ensure that nature environment do not completely banish. Thus, we will need nature reserves to achieve this. Therefore, it would be wise to set aside some areas as nature reserves.

In addition, when nature environment are being destroyed, animals lose their natural habitats. This can results in endangering of species or even extinction due to inability to adapt to new environment which in turns affects their survival. Thus, nature reserves are needed to create a home similar to their natural habitats for these animals so that they will be able to survive. Therefore, it would be wise to set aside some areas as nature reserves.

All in all, while people will feel that the limited lands available in Singapore should be used for better development to aid economic growth, I feel that there is a need to preserve nature environment by building nature reserves. Would you like to live in a place where there are only buildings and cars without any plants and trees around?

Feel free to point out any errors I've made.

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Old 18th September 2011, 01:49 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Re: My argumentative essay: Please comment

Vague descriptive
awkward expressions
lack of examples
you're just going point by point.

tbh this compo sure fail.
try include examples and elaborate your points
a compo is good when a reader read it once and understand what you're talking about without external knowledge.

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Old 18th September 2011, 02:12 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Re: My argumentative essay: Please comment

I concur to a large extent with iamSerenity.

To start off, your intro is too weak. (Not too sure if it even fulfils the criteria of an intro in the first place, because you are jumping too fast into the body) You are merely re-stating what the question asks, which does not add value to your essay. An essay introduction is supposed to invoke interest and curiousity in readers, much less examiners! (You will need an argument outline in the intro as well.)

Body is largely unsubstantiated, with some awkward expressions here and there. This will bore the examiners - ask yourself, would you enjoy reading such a script, and do you think your script can distinguish you from the thousands of other candidates? (Rhetorical question) There is little reference to the Singapore context, even when the question explicitly asks for it! (Slotting the words "Singapore" into vague elaborations will not conceal the fact that your essay lacks solid examples!)

As for the conclusion, your balance needs to come out more strongly. The aim is always to synthesize the thesis and anti-thesis with a strong synthesis. Avoid the use of rhetorical questions please, they don't add value to your essay. A good conclusion will end off in a high note and set the reader to think (about whatnot issues related to the essay).


If this is what you wrote in preparation for your Os (which is just round the corner), I urge you to start getting serious. In all honesty, this piece won't get you anywhere. It more than reflects on the lack of adequate preparation. Not to brag, but I am sure many of us here can churn out an essay of such "quality" in 15 - 20 minutes thereabout, so I cannot imagine what you are going to spend the rest of your time doing.


Merits:
- Good use of connectives.

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Old 18th September 2011, 02:31 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Re: My argumentative essay: Please comment

Originally Posted by MachCurve View Post
I concur to a large extent with iamSerenity.
Ts, no worries. JY.

Off: I learnt a new word. LOL.

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Old 18th September 2011, 02:38 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Re: My argumentative essay: Please comment

Haha thanks for the comments. Now I know why I got a D7 for O Level English last year.


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Old 18th September 2011, 03:00 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Re: My argumentative essay: Please comment

Your intro is weird. It's like people ask you one question, you ask three questions back (literally).

Some problems with sentence structure in the fourth para too. As a result, followed by Thus and Therefore. And I see almost all your paragraphs end with 'Thus' followed by 'Therefore'. It gets a little grating after a while.

Your topic lacks depth too, and more importantly, lacks rebuttal. I don't see you rebutting the point "People would argue that the limited land in Singapore is insufficient for urban development, for e.g. building new houses, office building and shopping centre. " convincingly.

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Old 18th September 2011, 03:05 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Argumentative essays were never good to write from the start, unless you have a vast knowledge of the topic and a command of good English. Plus, no one knows what topic this year o levels would be coming out.

You would be scoring higher marks if you write stories rather than discursive essays.

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