[HUIXIAN]

GERMAN literati Johann Wolfgang Goethe once said that 'love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished'.



Goethe may seem to have a bleak view of marriage but he may be right.

In many unions, once the euphoria of the honeymoon period is over, the relationship loses its shine.

Passion? Love? Couples no longer remember what it was like during courtship.

One of them is Channel 8 host Quan Yifeng, who recently told Shinmin Daily News that the passion in her own marriage to former actor Peter Yu is lost.

She had said: 'These days when I reach home, I no longer feel the impulse to strip, rush up to hug and kiss him.

'There's no more love between us. We're together because of that feeling that we're used to. But I guess most couples are like that too.'

When The New Paper called Yifeng, she claimed she could not talk as she was busy filming and would only say that she was no expert in marital issues.

But Yifeng, 33, may be right about marriages cooling down.

According to Mr Jonathan Siew, 36, a senior counsellor with Care Corner Counselling Centre, it is a prevalent problem in our society.

'Very few can maintain a lively relationship. Usually after five to seven years (of marriage), couples start to lose the passion in their relationship,' he told The New Paper.

TAKEN FOR GRANTED

Most times it is because couples start to take each other for granted.

'Many marriages are taken for granted after the wedding vows are exchanged. People usually think that all the pieces will fall into place nicely,' said Ms Elise Ho, 33, programmes and publicity senior executive with Family Life Centre.



Head-spinning feelings of love may not last a lifetime but responsibility and commitment can keep a couple happy together.

As local actor Rayson Tan, 42, said: 'Choose your love and love your choice.'

He has been married to fellow actress Chen Liping for the past nine years.

'The feeling before and after marriage is different. After marriage, she became a kin more than a lover, but the love in both situations is still there. I don't feel that love will become 'bland' after marriage but rather, love and kinship have fused together,' he added.

Rayson believes it is important to be cordial to each other even after marriage.

'Last time, you may say 'please' but now you just say 'come over'! You must remind yourself to still say 'please' - it's magic words like these that maintains the feelings and let you still respect each other,' he added, revealing that he and Liping still call each other 'dear dear'.

COMMUNICATION IS VITAL

Talking over the issues bugging each other is also vital to resolving marital problems. Second-guessing each other does no one any good.

Mr David Kan, 41, executive director and marriage therapist with Family Life Centre, said: 'Sometimes a couple may not even be clear on what are the issues that they need to work on. Presumptions and unverbalised issues are little crack lines that can compromise the foundations of a marriage.

'You cannot expect the other party to read your mind.'

Actress Hong Huifang and her husband, fellow actor Zheng Geping, are role models in that aspect, having been married for 14 years.

'We must spend some time alone. We usually have a good chat over coffee and toast after sending the children for tuition. It helps that we have the same career and share the same friends, so we have plenty to talk about,' she said.

But Huifang, 46, says they do have disagreements once in a blue moon but they will thrash things out and end up being more in love.

For retiree Mr Daren Bek and his wife Doris, they still feel like newlyweds after 33 years of marriage.

'I feel like I'm still dating her. We've been through thick and thin. Sometimes we have our differences but we listen to each other and don't take it to heart,' said Mr Bek, 57.

And Mr Bek - 'the last good man on earth' according to Mrs Bek - has golden advice for married couples.

He said: 'Don't be angry and never yell at each other unless the house is on fire. Don't bring up mistakes of the past, what's gone should not be kept in the heart. And try to pay compliments to each other.'

Easier said than done of course. Especially for couples who are already on a wrong footing.

A 65-year-old housewife, who wanted to be known only as Madam Tam, said she has never received a word of praise from her husband of 37 years.

In fact, they had their first quarrel on their wedding night.

'Only then did I realise he has a bad temper and that he flares up easily. If he's angry with me, he doesn't talk to me for very long. I have to placate him by constantly trying to talk to him,' she said.

Although the couple still sleep in the same room, they take separate beds. They have three children who have married and moved away.

'The intimacy has long since been gone. But what to do? I used to stay on in the marriage because the children were young. But now, I'm so old already, can't be divorcing at this age, right?

'At least I still have a partner to grow old with, better than being all alone,' Madam Tam added with a sigh of resignation.

IT'S EASIER IN THE MOVIES

For Edmund Chen and Xiang Yun - one of the first star couples on Caldecott Hill - daily squabbles can take a toll on the relationship.

Said Edmund, 45: 'We're like old battle mates, and the winner is still unknown. We have our little arguments every day over things so trivial, I forget what.

The couple married in 1989 after a short whirlwind courtship.

'What I used to imagine about marriage in the past is not like what I have now, movies lie,' said Edmund.

But Huang Shinan, who married MediaCorp beauty Pan Lingling in 1996 after nine years of courtship, reminds us that we should not expect real love to be as dramatic as reel love.

'Love is glorified in poetry and song but real love can be mild and gentle,' the 45-year-old actor said.

'The beauty of love is not in the romance, but how you support each other in good and bad times.'

Agreed Rayson: 'Passion is fleeting. You can't be talking only about love every day. It's very common to have conflicts. It's how you maintain the relationship based on your feelings.'

NO MORE SECOND THOUGHTS

Despite that, it can still be a fairy tale for some.

Huifang said: 'My married life is better that what I had imagined. I had thought that it's very hard to grow old together.

'I even had second thoughts the day before the wedding because I see so many failed marriages around me. So far, it's been good.

'There are many couples who have no more love for each other. I see couples who are walking on their own, or one in front of the other. It's not healthy. So I always tell myself not to be like them. We must retain the sparks in our relationship.'

Indeed, making the effort to keep the flame kindling will likely see any couple through to old age.

Mr Kan summed up: 'Through the years, things may not be so blissful and can get predictable. So what you need is commitment to stay through with each other.

'It's easy to fall in love but it's a challenge to stay in love.'

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totally agree to this quote
'It's easy to fall in love but it's a challenge to stay in love.'