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Old 12th October 2011, 03:32 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Correct my english essay!

Hi

Help me comment on my english essay please ~
Thankyou and i appreciate your help


November 2010 O Level Paper 1 -Some people say that the internet does more harm than good. What is your view?

With the advent of technology in the 21st century, technology has become an indispensible part of our lives. Speak of technology, and the word ‘Internet’ comes to your mind. Indeed, the internet is a large and crucial aspect of modern technology, and without it, many of mankind’s inventions would not have existed. Imagine a world without smartphones, emails, social networking sites and more! Hence, it is undeniable that the internet is the most important invention that accounts for our modern lives, and is also probably the greatest invention ever.

Yet, everything has a downside to it. An internet that comes with perfect goodness may sound too good to be true.

Opponents of the internet would be quick to point out that the internet, like drugs and alcohol, induces addiction in its users. Some of the most frequently seen addictions with relations to the internet include gaming addiction, addiction to social networking sites and most importantly, the internet addiction. Affected users tend to display symptoms similar to that of Compulsive Disorder (CD), as the internet is always constantly on their mind. Most of them, if not all, also tend to indulge in their addictions for more than five hours a day. Other than the lost hours in productivity, other downsides of such addictions include a myriad of health problems. Affected users tend to forgo their meals for extra time to use the internet, resulting in malnutrition. Usually, they lack exercise too as a result of the long hours spent using the computer, placing them at higher susceptibility to coronary diseases and obesity. In addition, the addicted ones are inclined to withdraw from socialising, and this can lead to adverse effects on their social well-being.

Also to them, the internet is full of objectionable content. Unlike the conventional media, almost anyone with an internet access can view such content freely due to a lack of effective restrictions in place. As such, underage children faces a greater risk of being exposed to unsuitable content consisting of violence and pornography, and this can negatively affect their perspective on the social norms and right behaviour. Studies have shown that people that are exposed to such content at a tender age will have a greater tendency to commit criminal acts. This effect is best exemplified by the constant increment of violent and sex crimes in America. Hence, in the adversaries’ view, the internet does harm.

However, saying that the internet is undesirable showcases one’s shallow-mindedness. One cannot deny the existence of the merits the internet brings. In my opinion, the internet nevertheless still does more good than harm.

The internet has indeed revolutionised our way of living. In the past, to search for information, one would have to make a trip to the library and pore labouriously over heaps of books in order to get what one seeks. However now, getting information involves the mere pressing of a few buttons on the keyboard of a computer and a few clicks of the mouse. Never before had information been so easily available. Hence, the internet does more good, as it can allow people, especially students like me, to widen our horizons and seek knowledge effectively.

Moreover, the internet has made communication simpler too. The e-mail (short for electronic mail), has replaced the traditional mailing methods of penning a letter and getting the postmen to deliver it to its destination. One reason for the replacement is that the e-mail can be sent to its recipient in the blink of an eye. The e-mail allowed for timely dissemination of information over long distances, and gave way for the rapid globalisation we see now. Transnational companies are able to freely distribute information and instructions from the headquarters to branches around the world too. With the internet, friends and relatives situated on various locations on the globe can conveniently communicate. Hence, the internet is beneficial as it has shrinked the world, gave development opportunities to many countries and provided jobs as people worldwide can now be employed by transnational companies.

Lastly, the internet serves as a platform for everyone. As the world is interlinked with the help of the internet, valuable ideas can be exchanged, allowing people to gain precious insights easily. Businesses can find new avenues to reach out to consumers too. In addition, non-profit organisations with their campaigns can easily gain recognition through the internet. Animal rights, human rights and gender equity can be effectively achieved as a result. Hence, the internet has its merits as it allows space for social and cultural developments as well.

In conclusion, the internet undeniably does more good than harm, as the downsides it has are minor as compared to the progress and development the internet brings for the world. With the internet, mankind has indeed taken a giant leap.



Once again thanks a million!

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Old 14th October 2011, 10:52 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Re: Correct my english essay!

I didn't read your essay thoroughly but it is too long. In the examiners' report, it is always mentioned that students write far too much and they do not like it when students do not stick to the word limit. Also, your thesis statement is not clear. I'm not sure what your stand is. Are you for the Internet or against it or neutral?

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Old 15th October 2011, 12:21 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Re: Correct my english essay!

Thanks for your feedback I'll get carried off during writing sometimes thats why ~ My thesis statement is on the fifth paragraph by the way, not sure if that's alright though

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Old 15th October 2011, 12:27 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Re: Correct my english essay!

content :18-21/30
language: 14-16/20
overall: 32-37/50

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Old 15th October 2011, 12:52 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Re: Correct my english essay!

For o lvls it would be upon 30 marks lol! Hahas tyvm anw, think i gotta improve on content

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Old 15th October 2011, 01:58 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Re: Correct my english essay!

Originally Posted by HumblePiee View Post
Hi

Help me comment on my english essay please ~
Thankyou and i appreciate your help


November 2010 O Level Paper 1 -Some people say that the internet does more harm than good. What is your view?

With the advent of technology in the 21st century, technology has become an indispensible part of our lives. Speak of technology, and the word ‘Internet’ comes to your mind. Indeed, the internet is a large and crucial aspect of modern technology, and without it, many of mankind’s inventions would not have existed. Imagine a world without smartphones, emails, social networking sites and more! Hence, it is undeniable that the internet is the most important invention that accounts for our modern lives, and is also probably the greatest invention ever.

Yet, everything has a downside to it. An internet that comes with perfect goodness may sound too good to be true.

Opponents of the internet would be quick to point out that the internet, like drugs and alcohol, induces addiction in its users. Some of the most frequently seen addictions with relations to the internet include gaming addiction, addiction to social networking sites and most importantly, the internet addiction. Affected users tend to display symptoms similar to that of Compulsive Disorder (CD), as the internet is always constantly on their mind. Most of them, if not all, also tend to indulge in their addictions for more than five hours a day. Other than the lost hours in productivity, other downsides of such addictions include a myriad of health problems. Affected users tend to forgo their meals for extra time to use the internet, resulting in malnutrition. Usually, they lack exercise too as a result of the long hours spent using the computer, placing them at higher susceptibility to coronary diseases and obesity. In addition, the addicted ones are inclined to withdraw from socialising, and this can lead to adverse effects on their social well-being.

Also to them, the internet is full of objectionable content. Unlike the conventional media, almost anyone with an internet access can view such content freely due to a lack of effective restrictions in place. As such, underage children faces a greater risk of being exposed to unsuitable content consisting of violence and pornography, and this can negatively affect their perspective on the social norms and right behaviour. Studies have shown that people that are exposed to such content at a tender age will have a greater tendency to commit criminal acts. This effect is best exemplified by the constant increment of violent and sex crimes in America. Hence, in the adversaries’ view, the internet does harm.

However, saying that the internet is undesirable showcases one’s shallow-mindedness. One cannot deny the existence of the merits the internet brings. In my opinion, the internet nevertheless still does more good than harm.

The internet has indeed revolutionised our way of living. In the past, to search for information, one would have to make a trip to the library and pore labouriously over heaps of books in order to get what one seeks. However now, getting information involves the mere pressing of a few buttons on the keyboard of a computer and a few clicks of the mouse. Never before had information been so easily available. Hence, the internet does more good, as it can allow people, especially students like me, to widen our horizons and seek knowledge effectively.

Moreover, the internet has made communication simpler too. The e-mail (short for electronic mail), has replaced the traditional mailing methods of penning a letter and getting the postmen to deliver it to its destination. One reason for the replacement is that the e-mail can be sent to its recipient in the blink of an eye. The e-mail allowed for timely dissemination of information over long distances, and gave way for the rapid globalisation we see now. Transnational companies are able to freely distribute information and instructions from the headquarters to branches around the world too. With the internet, friends and relatives situated on various locations on the globe can conveniently communicate. Hence, the internet is beneficial as it has shrinked the world, gave development opportunities to many countries and provided jobs as people worldwide can now be employed by transnational companies.

Lastly, the internet serves as a platform for everyone. As the world is interlinked with the help of the internet, valuable ideas can be exchanged, allowing people to gain precious insights easily. Businesses can find new avenues to reach out to consumers too. In addition, non-profit organisations with their campaigns can easily gain recognition through the internet. Animal rights, human rights and gender equity can be effectively achieved as a result. Hence, the internet has its merits as it allows space for social and cultural developments as well.

In conclusion, the internet undeniably does more good than harm, as the downsides it has are minor as compared to the progress and development the internet brings for the world. With the internet, mankind has indeed taken a giant leap.


Once again thanks a million!
Just some general comments: (with reference to bolded stuff above)

1. Your essay is severely lacking in concrete examples, and the examples you have given does not help carry your point across effectively.

2. Your topic sentences somehow is not followed up on in some paragraphs, and you end a paragraph abruptly without linking it back to the question and your topic sentence.

3. Beware of how you phrase some of your sentences, dissing the detractors view in the manner you did is a nono.

4. You need to be careful of slippery slope arguments. (One thing leading to another without proper substantiation - no, it is not immediately obvious to everyone)

--

Your language is relatively decent for a student taking the O levels, but your argumentation is still weak now, it might be better for you to do narrative/descriptive essays instead.

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Old 17th October 2011, 12:05 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Re: Correct my english essay!

Here are some ways I suggest you can improve on your essay.

For the intro:

1. Start with a strong introduction. And when I mean strong, I meant interesting and refreshing. Not dull, cliche, boring and obviously I can see your attempt in trying to link technology with 'internet' in a very forced manner.

2. An introduction should show a balanced argument. From your intro, I could only see how the internet is good. It is good if you address its implications as well because it will allow the examiner to see that you have considered both sides.

3. A stand. You intro lacks a stand and you have to state it clearly by answering the question and not let the reader finish reading the essay and 'guess'.

As for the body paragraphs,
1. Need to have CONCRETE examples. Not sweeping statements and generalizations which everyone can easily make. e.g. you mentioned "Transnational companies" -any real names you can offer??

2. Try to deviate away from the 'convenience argument'. You can write it but don't spend 2 paragraphs on it. Far to shallow and cliche. Try something like "The internet is an avenue for people to freely express themselves and even bring about a positive social change". E.g. Wall Street protests

Overall, language and fluency is okay. Best of luck for Os

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Old 17th October 2011, 01:03 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Re: Correct my english essay!

Heys all, thanks for all the constructive comments and encouragement!
I really appreciate them!
You guys are awesome!

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Old 21st October 2011, 07:23 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Shan't speak on the premises of content, but your command of the language is more than decent for your (or 'our'. Lol) level.

I'd give you a 20/30 for this very well written essay. Also, the length of your essay is considerably long and I think quality should overpower quantity.

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