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Old 21st September 2011, 07:37 PM   #1 (permalink)
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My english compo, please comment!

Topic: Write about an occasion when you could not stop laughing in an inappropriate moment.

“Hah...Ha...Hahahahahaha...” I burst into laughter. “Erm… Sorry, ha... Please pardon me. Can I start all over again?” I pleaded. Some time back in the school holidays, a couple of my cousins and I visited the World Bay Miz to celebrate Grandpa’s 80th birthday. It was a jovial event. Sirens of laughter lift up the atmosphere. The ambiance was awesome, with well-known violinists and pianist composing some delightful, soothing music for our ears.

Sitting besides us was an Indian couple, enjoying the signature dish of the Restaurant, black pepper steak.” Hey Grandpa! Happy birthday!” I congratulated. Just after this moment, at the corner of my eye, I saw the waiter walking towards our table’s direction. Without hesitation, I stood up abruptly and surprisingly and hinted him to serve us. However, the next moment, I saw myself in a state of insanity. I could not control my laughter. The Indian man had his wig fallen off! As the waiter is trying to attend to us, he slip and accidentally grabbed onto whatever is available. The carelessness of the waiter has brought huge commotion. Then, the tuxedo-Indian guy stormed out of the restaurant. To me, it was a memorable sight!

After a long day of fun, we headed back home as I had to prepare for my oral examination tomorrow. Fun and laughter overwhelmed me and it was as if I was the birthday’s boy. Hence, I did not prepare a single bit for my examinations at all. The next day arrived and I was trembling like a fish out of the water. Nervous and fear was all I felt. But, the worst moment has yet to come. “Register 0226, number 0145, please proceed forward.” The teacher in-charged said in a monotone speech. I hesitated upon hearing my register. Still, I dragged my feet to the examination room, as much as I hate it. The door creaked when I opened it slowly. “Goo..Good afternoon teachers” I stumbled. The teachers offered me to take a seat, and I warmly accepted it. Just when I am ready to begin my reading aloud, I was stunned when I saw the examiner! He was the Indian guy that had his wig fallen off! I cackled as loud as a broken speaker! I tried to stop, but to no avail. The examiners looked at me in puzzled which they totally had no idea what had just happened.

“You! Shut up! What are you trying to do?” the Indian examiner shouted. “I presume you are trying to cheat! Get out now!” he said afterwards. Then, I left the room in despair, wondering what I have just done! It was indeed a painful lesson for not being able to control my laughter in this inappropriate moment.

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Last edited by RainbowTang; 21st September 2011 at 08:16 PM.
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Old 21st September 2011, 07:58 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Re: My english compo, please comment!

im not that good in english language but below are my personal comments on your compo.

1. Generally, you had written your main point and organised it properly. From starting to the main body and until the ending, i can understand your whole idea.

2. i think u need to look out for those grammar mistakes, for example, those past tense and plural form which i had noticed.

3. there are some words in your compo which im wondering whether is it needed to include them. for example, "at the corner of my eye", "abruptly and surprising", "tuxedo". maybe u can try rephrasing them again.
i think u mentioned the dress code of the Indian examiner at the restaurant so u can also highlight again the dress code during the examination. if like this, then can better relate both together.

4. what is Restaurant, steak?

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Old 21st September 2011, 08:14 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Re: My english compo, please comment!

Originally Posted by fowayne View Post
im not that good in english language but below are my personal comments on your compo.

1. Generally, you had written your main point and organised it properly. From starting to the main body and until the ending, i can understand your whole idea.

2. i think u need to look out for those grammar mistakes, for example, those past tense and plural form which i had noticed.

3. there are some words in your compo which im wondering whether is it needed to include them. for example, "at the corner of my eye", "abruptly and surprising", "tuxedo". maybe u can try rephrasing them again.
i think u mentioned the dress code of the Indian examiner at the restaurant so u can also highlight again the dress code during the examination. if like this, then can better relate both together.

4. what is Restaurant, steak?
Hi,

Thanks for the feedbacks! All comments are greatly appreciated.

What do you meant by point 3?

Anyway, what band will you give it?

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Old 22nd September 2011, 01:48 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Re: My english compo, please comment!

That was my topic for my O levels!

I think you took too long to get to the main point of the essay (laughing at an inappropriate moment). You spent almost 3/4 of your essay on the build up, and only mentioned the "inappropriate laughter" in the last few lines. I also think that the essay is a bit too short..and I don't really see the link between the first sentence and the rest of the story?

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Old 22nd September 2011, 08:41 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Re: My english compo, please comment!

Originally Posted by xBleahs View Post
That was my topic for my O levels!

I think you took too long to get to the main point of the essay (laughing at an inappropriate moment). You spent almost 3/4 of your essay on the build up, and only mentioned the "inappropriate laughter" in the last few lines. I also think that the essay is a bit too short..and I don't really see the link between the first sentence and the rest of the story?


Have noticed it too..

Anyway will I be penalised very very heavily?

More comments anyone?

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Old 24th September 2011, 07:08 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Re: My english compo, please comment!

Anymore areas to improve??

More criticise please!!

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Old 24th September 2011, 08:39 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Re: My english compo, please comment!

Originally Posted by RainbowTang View Post
Topic: Write about an occasion when you could not stop laughing in an inappropriate moment.

“Ha ha ha ha!!!” I burst into laughter."Sorry sir,pardon me for being rude. May I have the chance to start over?” I pleaded. A while ago, during the holidays,my cousins and I took a trip down to the "World Bay Miz" hotel to celebrate my Grandfather's eightieth birthday. It was a jovial event and sirens of laughter lifted the atmosphere.The ambience was awesome, with well-known violinists and pianist playing their pieces. Each draw and note played was in perfect harmony, soothing yet engaging.

An Indian couple was at the table beside our family,dining on the hotel's signature dish. "Hey Grandpa! Happy birthday!” I congratulated. I caught a glimpse of the waiter through the corner of my eye and hinted for him to make his way over.The next moment, I slipped into a state of insanity after what I have seen. The wig on the Indian man's head had been pulled off! As the waiter is making his way over, he slipped on a puddle of water caused by a toddler at another table and by instincts swung his hands around, trying to regain his balance. Little did he know that he had grabbed onto the Indian man's wig by mistake. The event has caused a huge commotion. After which the furious man who was wearing an expensive tuxedo raged out of the restaurant, hurling his fingers at the waitor as he made his exit. It was an unforgettable memory to me.

We made our way home as I had to prepare for my oral examination tomorrow. Excitement and joy overwhelmed me as if it was my birthday. Due to the event replaying in my mind, I was unable to concentrate on my revision. I was trembling when the next day arrived. I felt nervous and fear thinking that I would not score well as I came to school unprepared.However, the worst has yet to come. My register number was being called out by the teacher in charge with a monotonous tone. I hesitated upon hearing my register. Still, I made my way to examination room unwillingly.The door creaked when I pushed against it slowly. “Goo..Good afternoon teachers” I stumbled. The teachers offered me to take a seat, and I warmly accepted. Just when I was about to begin reading aloud, I was shocked when my vision drifted to one of the examiner. He was the same person that had his wig pulled off! I crackled as loud as a broken speaker! I tried to contain my laugher, but to no avail. The examiners were puzzled, they did not know what had caused me to laugh uncontrollably.

“You! Keep Quiet! What are you trying to do?” the Indian examiner yelled. “I assume you are trying to cheat! Leave this room immediately!” I had no choice but to leave the room in despair and regret.( elaborate more here on what you did? like begging the examiner, trying to explain what happened. I'm sure you did not walk out without trying to explain or beg for another chance) It was indeed a painful lesson for not being able to control my laughter in this inappropriate moment.
I tried my best to correct and edit some of the sentences. I'm not really good at english as well so . Just take a look through and see if you can edit it.

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Old 24th September 2011, 09:00 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Re: My english compo, please comment!

u spent to little time on the climax. but still the basic grammar is still good .

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Old 24th September 2011, 09:47 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Re: My english compo, please comment!

Originally Posted by fyero92 View Post
I tried my best to correct and edit some of the sentences. I'm not really good at english as well so . Just take a look through and see if you can edit it.
Wow...

After what you have editted, I felt that it is overall much precise and entertaining!

Other than the story flow, any serious errors or areas to improve in?


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Old 24th September 2011, 09:47 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Re: My english compo, please comment!

Originally Posted by crazyidiot View Post
u spent to little time on the climax. but still the basic grammar is still good .
Yup..


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Old 24th September 2011, 11:57 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Re: My english compo, please comment!

The Indian man had his wig fallen off! As the waiter is trying to attend to us, he slip and accidentally grabbed onto whatever is available. The carelessness of the waiter has brought huge commotion. Then, the tuxedo-Indian guy stormed out of the restaurant. To me, it was a memorable sight!
eh not very clear wat u are trying to convey here, did the waiter grab the wig or wat?

do u mean the waiter slip then grab the indian guy wig accidentally and thats why it fall off?

if so u need to rephrase this part.

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Old 25th September 2011, 12:14 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Re: My english compo, please comment!

Originally Posted by RainbowTang View Post
Wow...

After what you have editted, I felt that it is overall much precise and entertaining!

Other than the story flow, any serious errors or areas to improve in?

haha yeah. I feel it gets the readers attention if you elaborate on the parts that people are interested in. like how the waiter slips, grabs the mans hair, you getting nervous till the point you are going to cry from getting sent out and stuffs like that. We tend to create a picture of that scene when we read it so try to elaborate more on those

Maybe you could add in like how the Indian man looks handsome when he had his wig on describe it till he looks like an actor so on and so forth mentioning how jealous you are about his hair etc etc. Then the epic scene of the moment you saw the wig flying off his head etcetc. would make it super funny and entertaining to read.,, although its entertaining but have to consider if it answers the question of the composition. That would be up to you to balance.


Last edited by fyero92; 25th September 2011 at 12:18 AM.
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Old 25th September 2011, 03:32 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Re: My english compo, please comment!

Be careful with your tenses. "The event has caused a huge commotion."

This should read "The event caused a huge commotion" -- i.e. the past tense. If you're describing something which had already happened even earlier, the correct form is "had caused" -- i.e. the past perfect tense.

The same applies to: "wondering what I have just done"; "when I am ready to begin my reading aloud"... and so on.

Please avoid grammar mistakes, because you'll be heavily penalized. For example, "teacher in-charged" is wrong.

I'd give the essay a B-minus.

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Last edited by la_nausee; 25th September 2011 at 03:33 PM.
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Old 25th September 2011, 03:47 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Re: My english compo, please comment!

Overall need to improve on grammer and certain sentence structure =D. I seen a lot of " is " instead of " was ". I point out a few below.

" I saw the waiter walking towards our table’s direction " Leave out the word direction.

" I stood up abruptly and surprisingly and hinted him to serve us " Leave out the words and surprisingly.

"as if I was the birthday’s boy" Should be " as if i was a birthday boy ", because you are trying to express that feeling in general, not a specific birthday boy you know.

" I hesitated upon hearing my register. Still, I dragged my feet to the examination room, as much as I hate it. "
This 2 sentences may look like nothing wrong but i remembered my english teacher would label them something in relation to not being clear. Like hesitated upon what, and where is the "it" in " as much as i hate it ", "it" may refer to hating your own feet in your sentence.

"I cackled as loud as a broken speaker" I think you should use another analogy =P.


Last edited by Yach; 25th September 2011 at 03:53 PM.
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Old 25th September 2011, 07:34 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Re: My english compo, please comment!

Originally Posted by fyero92 View Post
haha yeah. I feel it gets the readers attention if you elaborate on the parts that people are interested in. like how the waiter slips, grabs the mans hair, you getting nervous till the point you are going to cry from getting sent out and stuffs like that. We tend to create a picture of that scene when we read it so try to elaborate more on those

Maybe you could add in like how the Indian man looks handsome when he had his wig on describe it till he looks like an actor so on and so forth mentioning how jealous you are about his hair etc etc. Then the epic scene of the moment you saw the wig flying off his head etcetc. would make it super funny and entertaining to read.,, although its entertaining but have to consider if it answers the question of the composition. That would be up to you to balance.

Actually I wanted to included more elaboration on that part..... but when I was writing, I felt that the intro was kind of too long.. so I just decided to cut it short. But after reading my own writing, it really sux,, .

tHanks

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Old 25th September 2011, 07:36 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Re: My english compo, please comment!

Originally Posted by Yach View Post
Overall need to improve on grammer and certain sentence structure =D. I seen a lot of " is " instead of " was ". I point out a few below.

" I saw the waiter walking towards our table’s direction " Leave out the word direction.

" I stood up abruptly and surprisingly and hinted him to serve us " Leave out the words and surprisingly.

"as if I was the birthday’s boy" Should be " as if i was a birthday boy ", because you are trying to express that feeling in general, not a specific birthday boy you know.

" I hesitated upon hearing my register. Still, I dragged my feet to the examination room, as much as I hate it. "
This 2 sentences may look like nothing wrong but i remembered my english teacher would label them something in relation to not being clear. Like hesitated upon what, and where is the "it" in " as much as i hate it ", "it" may refer to hating your own feet in your sentence.

"I cackled as loud as a broken speaker" I think you should use another analogy =P.
tHanks for pointing out all these..

agree totally



would take note in the future

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Old 25th September 2011, 07:37 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Re: My english compo, please comment!

Originally Posted by la_nausee View Post
Be careful with your tenses. "The event has caused a huge commotion."

This should read "The event caused a huge commotion" -- i.e. the past tense. If you're describing something which had already happened even earlier, the correct form is "had caused" -- i.e. the past perfect tense.

The same applies to: "wondering what I have just done"; "when I am ready to begin my reading aloud"... and so on.

Please avoid grammar mistakes, because you'll be heavily penalized. For example, "teacher in-charged" is wrong.

I'd give the essay a B-minus.
Looks like i lost touch wif writing... forgotten all these past perfect tenses.

Anyway, when would it be most appropriate for the climax to come in?

Noticed that mine was rather late and ended quite abruptly..

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Old 25th September 2011, 07:38 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Re: My english compo, please comment!

Originally Posted by oldvirgin View Post
eh not very clear wat u are trying to convey here, did the waiter grab the wig or wat?

do u mean the waiter slip then grab the indian guy wig accidentally and thats why it fall off?

if so u need to rephrase this part.


Poorly elaborated. Would take notice in future.

thanks!! Anymore critisim??

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Old 25th September 2011, 07:51 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Re: My english compo, please comment!

Guys, how much would you guys give upon 30?

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Old 26th September 2011, 10:46 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Re: My english compo, please comment!

Originally Posted by RainbowTang View Post
Guys, how much would you guys give upon 30?
17/30. The grammatical errors and odd phrasing really hurt your grade. If you fix those, then you'll instantly improve your grade by at least 2 or 3 marks.

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