Essay Writing( self penned story)

**MyHelenaRomance** · 20-05-2009, 02:00 PM

Self penned a story half out of boredom and also for tution. Would appreciate it greatly if you could rate it

. I'll be adding a new chapter every day so check back for more details. Haha. Its about a guy who ends up in a web of love, and some details about car racing. Merci ^^

There till the end

The shafts of light pierced through the metallic bars, sending a explosion of colored rays dancing upon the marble lined floor, its pearlescent tiles lighting up in a passionate graceful arc

The bedside lamp was flicked on, the initial action indicated that the owner was shaking her hands in absolute fury as its fingers made its way towards the oblivious, asleep body.

A cry erupted, shattering the melancholy stillness of the entire block as the body soared out of its bed , tenderly rubbing his nipples ,where two battle scars had replaced its soft shape, now stood swelling terribly

‘Ow!’ What was that for? The teenager whimpered, as he woke up from his stupor only to meet the blazing eyes of his mother parallel to his.

Before his mum could answer, his eyes fell upon the clock next to the lamp and a look of ashen horror replaced his indignant expression on his face less than a second ago.

Adrenaline coursed through his body as he ran pell-mell for the toilet door, but as he reached it, the door opened, and his mum gaped for a second as the teenager slammed into the door. Her stunned expression could not betray the outcome of what would happen next. It happened.

The display of derision on her face explained it all as she erupted into laughter , just as her husband strode through the toilet door, unaware of the chaos he had caused.

‘Honey, whats wrong with you? Is something wrong?’ he enquired, as he could not find the source of his spouse’s demented laughter ringing throughout the house.

She struggled to stop laughing, her ecstatic soprano-like voice like trying not to falter as she pointed haphazardly to their son, whos lips were now fiercely emblazoned on the surface of the door, and his arms spread eagled ,glued to the wooden structure.

The delayed giggles overran his control that he was struggling to come to terms with, spewing out a booming bout of laughter as their son crumbled to the floor , his pale white face half trying to conceal whatever embarrassment that was threatening to send him on the verge of tears.

Shakily, he staggered to the toilet door and closed it , leaving both his parents in a laughing fit.

**

The teenager grabbed a loaf ,snatching his car keys in the process as he dashed out of the house, praying for a miracle that the expressway wouldn’t be jammed.

He singled out his car quickly, deactivating the anti theft system and clambered onto the seat, plunging the key to the ignition.

The engine growled as all its eight cylinders fired up, heralding the chaos that were soon to follow.

A high pitched roar reverberated around the apartment blocks as the Nissan Fuga peeled out from its lot, tires squealing to maintain grip as the teenager mashed the throttle pedal to the carpet amid furious curses from the residents that were rudely awakened.

Gingerly, he turned into the intersection, snapping the radio on, his ears on full alert at the slightest hint of trouble that was on the expressway.

kokojun · 20-05-2009, 03:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MyHelenaRomance

Self penned a story half out of boredom and also for tution. Would appreciate it greatly if you could rate it

. I'll be adding a new chapter every day so check back for more details. Haha. Its about a guy who ends up in a web of love, and some details about car racing. Merci ^^

There till the end

The shafts of light pierced through the metallic bars, sending a explosion of colored rays dancing upon the marble lined floor, its pearlescent tiles lighting up in a passionate graceful arc

The bedside lamp was flicked on, the initial action indicated that the owner was shaking her hands in absolute fury as its fingers made its way towards the oblivious, asleep body.

A cry erupted, shattering the melancholy stillness of the entire block as the body soared out of its bed , tenderly rubbing his nipples ,where two battle scars had replaced its soft shape, now stood swelling terribly

‘Ow!’ What was that for? The teenager whimpered, as he woke up from his stupor only to meet the blazing eyes of his mother parallel to his.

Before his mum could answer, his eyes fell upon the clock next to the lamp and a look of ashen horror replaced his indignant expression on his face less than a second ago.

Adrenaline coursed through his body as he ran pell-mell for the toilet door, but as he reached it, the door opened, and his mum gaped for a second as the teenager slammed into the door. Her stunned expression could not betray the outcome of what would happen next. It happened.

The display of derision on her face explained it all as she erupted into laughter , just as her husband strode through the toilet door, unaware of the chaos he had caused.

‘Honey, whats wrong with you? Is something wrong?’ he enquired, as he could not find the source of his spouse’s demented laughter ringing throughout the house.

She struggled to stop laughing, her ecstatic soprano-like voice like trying not to falter as she pointed haphazardly to their son, whose lips were now fiercely emblazoned on the surface of the door, and his arms spread eagled ,glued to the wooden structure.

The delayed giggles overran his control that he was struggling to come to terms with, spewing out a booming bout of laughter as their son crumbled to the floor , his pale white face half trying to conceal whatever embarrassment that was threatening to send him on the verge of tears.

Shakily, he staggered to the toilet door and closed it , leaving both his parents in a laughing fit.

**

The teenager grabbed a loaf ,snatching his car keys in the process as he dashed out of the house, praying for a miracle that the expressway wouldn’t be jammed.

He singled out his car quickly, deactivating the anti theft system and clambered onto the seat, plunging the key to the ignition.

The engine growled as all its eight cylinders fired up, heralding the chaos that were soon to follow.

A high pitched roar reverberated around the apartment blocks as the Nissan Fuga peeled out from its lot, tires squealing to maintain grip as the teenager mashed the throttle pedal to the carpet amid furious curses from the residents that were rudely awakened.

Gingerly, he turned into the intersection, snapping the radio on, his ears on full alert at the slightest hint of trouble that was on the expressway.

I highlighted certain parts. You've got a good control of the tenses. pretty consistent throughout the whole essay. Orange parts= sentence too long, try to break it up into smaller chunks. In exams, examiners wont have time to screen through the whole essay thoroughly so its better to break this so that it is less wordy or sound too long winded. Do remember that the longer your sentences are, the easier it is to make mistakes. The part that is in BOLD, means there's sentence structure problem, or rather, seen as a run on error....if you want to use commas, dont put "and" after the comma.

Whos lips were now fiercely emblazoned... *take note you missed out E at the end of Whos.. Whose!

okay. generally..no problem with language. Vocab is alright. Good use of descriptives...able to make me try to visualise how the actual story setting is like. Jiayou bahs. Hope you'll be able to improve better and thanks for posting your essay here.. makes me miss my sec school essay writing days. sighh..

**MyHelenaRomance** · 20-05-2009, 07:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kokojun

I highlighted certain parts. You've got a good control of the tenses. pretty consistent throughout the whole essay. Orange parts= sentence too long, try to break it up into smaller chunks. In exams, examiners wont have time to screen through the whole essay thoroughly so its better to break this so that it is less wordy or sound too long winded. Do remember that the longer your sentences are, the easier it is to make mistakes. The part that is in BOLD, means there's sentence structure problem, or rather, seen as a run on error....if you want to use commas, dont put "and" after the comma.

Whos lips were now fiercely emblazoned... *take note you missed out E at the end of Whos.. Whose!

okay. generally..no problem with language. Vocab is alright. Good use of descriptives...able to make me try to visualise how the actual story setting is like. Jiayou bahs. Hope you'll be able to improve better and thanks for posting your essay here.. makes me miss my sec school essay writing days. sighh..

Haha. Thanks. i was trying to sort of practice for my o levels, so id thought that freehand writing might help best.I had no time to change my whos as i was late for school while putting the finishing touches on the essay,hehe. Thanks for pointing it out. ^^

Jodar · 20-05-2009, 07:33 PM

this is what i feel when i read your essay:

i was visiting the safari. wow - the scenery is so beautiful and the landscape's so out of this world. it's amazing and incredible. i thus spent all my time admiring the beautiful landscape even though the whole point of visiting the safari is to see the animals.

pardon my poor English, but i see no plot in your essay even though the vocabulary's fantastic. and when i mean fantastic, it really is fantastic!

**MyHelenaRomance** · 20-05-2009, 07:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jodar

this is what i feel when i read your essay:

i was visiting the safari. wow - the scenery is so beautiful and the landscape's so out of this world. it's amazing and incredible. i thus spent all my time admiring the beautiful landscape even though the whole point of visiting the safari is to see the animals.

pardon my poor English, but i see no plot in your essay even though the vocabulary's fantastic. and when i mean fantastic, it really is fantastic!

Thanks alot. Haha. Its easy to build up vocab-its the one way street that tremendously helps in descriptive essays. Its still not too late for a man cannot stop learning until the end of life

Jodar · 20-05-2009, 07:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MyHelenaRomance

Thanks alot. Haha. Its easy to build up vocab-its the one way street that tremendously helps in descriptive essays. Its still not too late for a man cannot stop learning until the end of life

well, you have to know that building vocab is great and it does help in English in the long run. however, building up your argumentative skills is important as well. essays in junior colleges (i assume you are going to one with your excellent grasp of the English monster) are mainly argumentative.

(though vocab does help in the compre section of the paper)

good luck! :p it's great to have you around here. :p

**MyHelenaRomance** · 20-05-2009, 07:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jodar

well, you have to know that building vocab is great and it does help in English in the long run. however, building up your argumentative skills is important as well. essays in junior colleges (i assume you are going to one with your excellent grasp of the English monster) are mainly argumentative.

(though vocab does help in the compre section of the paper)

good luck! :p it's great to have you around here. :p

sadly although i would very like much to go to a junior college, i see my dreams dashed upon a boulder thanks to my pathetic maths, i have a natural enmity against that subject that spanned 7 years!

dslitemylove · 20-05-2009, 07:59 PM

WOOWW!!

Jodar · 20-05-2009, 08:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MyHelenaRomance

sadly although i would very like much to go to a junior college, i see my dreams dashed upon a boulder thanks to my pathetic maths, i have a natural enmity against that subject that spanned 7 years!

well, love math like how you love English :p try Ms Loi - i wanted to try her tuition services when i was sucky in math (i missed out all the major topics as i was ill and stuck at home/hospital). though at the end of the day i did not study under her, her website's the thing that inspired me to love math more.

try viewing the website. google "ms loi" and click on the first link you see. math is actually fun :p

**MyHelenaRomance** · 20-05-2009, 08:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jodar

well, love math like how you love English :p try Ms Loi - i wanted to try her tuition services when i was sucky in math (i missed out all the major topics as i was ill and stuck at home/hospital). though at the end of the day i did not study under her, her website's the thing that inspired me to love math more.

try viewing the website. google "ms loi" and click on the first link you see. math is actually fun :p

Lol. i recieve an everlasting Zero for maths been through 5 tutors that came to naught.

Haha. im typing up the next chapter btw.

@dsmylove?

Huh? O_o

Jodar · 20-05-2009, 08:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MyHelenaRomance

Lol. i recieve an everlasting Zero for maths been through 5 tutors that came to naught.

Haha. im typing up the next chapter btw.

@dsmylove?

Huh? O_o

-.- understand it from the basics and you'll do well :p if you really can't do it, then it's fine. there are people who just can't do math. :p they are more arts inclined. i'd say that isn't too bad a thing - to each his own. ;p

don't worry yourself too much if you still can't comprehend it. maybe you're built like that. but remember: don't use it as an excuse to not study for math. who knows, you may have undiscovered talents in it, just that your fear/dislike in that topic caused you to be unable to score well in it.

:p

DoraTheExplorer · 20-05-2009, 08:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dslitemylove

WOOWW!!

And now this motherf*cka is a student whatever-bullcrap! The way that soab makes his decision makes is either weird, or abnormal.

And on your essay, great use of vocab, same as what Jodar said, there is no plot, like going to the zoo to look at the scenery instead of the animals. Be careful of a correct use of vocab, you are going way out of point and you should not practise writing this way but with a subject instead since this will not help you at all. Having a clean and on-point essay gets you high marks with the right content, not just the flowery words. With a recent example I encountered in my friend's essay and the teacher's remarks, this was what the teacher wrote: You can't be describing how blue the skies are or how green the field is when the main point of the story is about ... '' Can't remember the whole thing, but if and since the main point is about the ..., describing the skies and fields would be redundant like what you are writing out in start of your story, no matter how flowery or filled with vocab it is, since put in layman terms, there is totally NO LINK!

**MyHelenaRomance** · 20-05-2009, 08:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jodar

-.- understand it from the basics and you'll do well :p if you really can't do it, then it's fine. there are people who just can't do math. :p they are more arts inclined. i'd say that isn't too bad a thing - to each his own. ;p

don't worry yourself too much if you still can't comprehend it. maybe you're built like that. but remember: don't use it as an excuse to not study for math. who knows, you may have undiscovered talents in it, just that your fear/dislike in that topic caused you to be unable to score well in it.

:p

I agree.. Michelangelo had a passion for arts, and his masterpieces are through his relentless work to perfect such a technique. haha. I wish i could use that excuse though.. Except i need to pass maths to get into my poly course

MyHelenaRomance added 3 Minutes and 58 Seconds later...

Quote:

Originally Posted by DoraTheExplorer

And now this motherf*cka is a student whatever-bullcrap! The way that soab makes his decision makes is either weird, or abnormal.

And on your essay, great use of vocab, same as what Jodar said, there is no plot, like going to the zoo to look at the scenery instead of the animals. Be careful of a correct use of vocab, you are going way out of point and you should not practise writing this way but with a subject instead since this will not help you at all. Having a clean and on-point essay gets you high marks with the right content, not just the flowery words. With a recent example I encountered in my friend's essay and the teacher's remarks, this was what the teacher wrote: You can't be describing how blue the skies are or how green the field is when the main point of the story is about ... '' Can't remember the whole thing, but if and since the main point is about the ..., describing the skies and fields would be redundant like what you are writing out in start of your story, no matter how flowery or filled with vocab it is, since put in layman terms, there is totally NO LINK!

Sigh. That happened to me during PSLE but once i start writing.. i cant stop

Take the PSLE for example i wrote a 650 word essay but 70% was out of point. im lucky to have escaped with abit of marks deduction though. Its my worst enemy when it comes to essay writing as i always pick fantasies to write about

kokojun · 20-05-2009, 09:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MyHelenaRomance

I agree.. Michelangelo had a passion for arts, and his masterpieces are through his relentless work to perfect such a technique. haha. I wish i could use that excuse though.. Except i need to pass maths to get into my poly course

MyHelenaRomance added 3 Minutes and 58 Seconds later...

Sigh. That happened to me during PSLE but once i start writing.. i cant stop

Take the PSLE for example i wrote a 650 word essay but 70% was out of point. im lucky to have escaped with abit of marks deduction though. Its my worst enemy when it comes to essay writing as i always pick fantasies to write about

try writing a one-word topic essay. because you can link to many things but at the end of course must link back to the topic. Eg, Dreams. talk abt how once you dreamt, what happened---can link to other stuffs then at the end come back to conclude Dreams at the last paragraph

dslitemylove · 20-05-2009, 10:01 PM

you know why I reply ''WOW''.. because.. focusing mainly on your vocabs.. (thumb up)
and moreover comparing myself to you, I think I'm losing out..
Feared of the O level english essays... T.T
My compositions are like.. short and sweet sentences, less/none ussage of nice vocabs.. Old fashion compo.. which in the end I always score not that high :C

Jodar · 20-05-2009, 10:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dslitemylove

you know why I reply ''WOW''.. because.. focusing mainly on your vocabs.. (thumb up)
and moreover comparing myself to you, I don't know how far ..where I stand..
My compositions are like.. short and sweet sentences, less ussage of nice vocabs.. Old- and boring compo.. which in the end I always score not that high :C

you could've said that from the start rather than just wow, which neither helps him nor complements him much. and your grammar is not really that strong, you have errors in the sentence structure in the above quoted message.

you have to work on it. you may want to consult http://www.sgclub.com/singapore/reco...sh_163274.html

dslitemylove · 20-05-2009, 10:12 PM

yes.I will take note of it.
Do correct me if you spot any more grammar mistakes..
I want to improve my english (:
English is not my strong subject.