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Old 11th October 2010, 07:23 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Could you help check my essay! Thanks !

Topic : Music

Music has a multitude of definition. My definition of music is LIFE. What's life without music? Wouldn't it be just so dull. Music is all about story-telling. When you are able to fully understand a piece of music, you will be able to get the full meaning behind it.

Music captures the emotion of the singer, and the composer writes the lyrics in a way to express the feelings he wished to let people knows. Once you understand the music, it will be like the singer telling us a story, with all the details.

I remembered that I first came into contact with music when I was 7 that year. It was a gift from my mum for my birthday, a music player. I still remembered what she told me when she handed me the gift, "Music is what you want it to be, it wouldn't choose its listener". At that time, I couldn't figure out what my mum was trying to tell me, until much later when I finally realised the meaning behind it.

It was simple. Music is defined as what one wants and how you look at it. If you looked at it as a lifeless thing, it would be. Music doesn't despise anyone unless you despise it. Music is for anyone and everyone as long as you want it.

Music is also a kind of encouragement and companion for me too. It has kept me company when I need it - sad, happy and lonely. Everytime I put my earpiece into my ear, I will indulge in the music, and be in my own world. I listened to the harmonious melody and the feelings the singer is trying to express through the song. Also some songs encourage me to strive and do my best in anyway I can.

Even though music isn't able to communicate with us, I can feel its presence and I will feel very secured when I listened to music. Maybe it's just my imagination.

But still music had keeping me company for 9 years already, and its still the same feeling I get whenever I listen to the songs in my music player. Music is for everyone who does not despise it.

Till now, music is still my best companion when I need it. My only definition for life now is,

Music.

Thanks in advance!
P.S. : Grade me if you could (I'm currently taking my O level this year! Hehe!)

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Old 11th October 2010, 07:37 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Re: Could you help check my essay! Thanks !

just skim through this essay, will probably get 17/18?

points are poorly developed and have weak support

after reading it more detailed this time, probably 14/15

I remembered that I first came into contact with music when I was 7 that year. It was a gift from my mum for my birthday, a music player. I still remembered what she told me when she handed me the gift, "Music is what you want it to be, it wouldn't choose its listener". At that time, I couldn't figure out what my mum was trying to tell me, until much later when I finally realised the meaning behind it.

for example this paragraph you should have mentioned how so.... how did you realise... or what did you learn from it.... sought of stuff...

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Last edited by HeavenEarthHell; 11th October 2010 at 09:47 PM.
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Old 11th October 2010, 07:55 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Re: Could you help check my essay! Thanks !

I'm not sure how I can grade this...

Because this feels more like a blog entry (with decent English) than an essay. The use of the rhetorical question "What is life without music?" and the use of the "you" and "I" does not seem to adhere to academic neutrality.

Furthermore, the essay delves into a personal anecdote without really offering an academic argument or a sort of academic stand.

I don't know, either essays nowadays are like this, or you're not writng an essay.

Sorry, I'm not sure how I can mark this.

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Old 11th October 2010, 08:11 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Re: Could you help check my essay! Thanks !

Hmm.. I've been writing these kind of essay, oh dear! How can I improve and turn it into a essay? Any suggestions?

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Old 11th October 2010, 08:13 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Re: Could you help check my essay! Thanks !

Short, simple and to the point. No beating around the bush nor going off topic.
No grammatical mistakes (at least to me). Should be able to pass, but would not do fantastically well.
Personally I would give this a 19/30.

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Old 11th October 2010, 09:20 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Re: Could you help check my essay! Thanks !

So are you trying to do an expository or narrative? Lol.
Or a bit of both?

Personally i think its short and lack elaboration.
Music is not just classified as songs with lyrics.
Classical music, opera, even techno. Lol.
It's not bad though.

"I remembered that I first came into contact with music when I was 7 that year."
The "that year" is kind of redundant, though.
"I remembered that I first came into contact with music when I was 7." sounds nicer to me.

Lancelot: Essays nowdays can be like this, I should think. Engaging the reader as an audience and not just writing an "Article". Makes it more interesting in my opinion?

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Old 11th October 2010, 10:11 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Re: Could you help check my essay! Thanks !

Songs with lyrics isn't categorized as music? Music is sure a difficult topic to write on! Anyway thanks for all the advices

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Old 11th October 2010, 10:47 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Re: Could you help check my essay! Thanks !

Originally Posted by leily View Post
Lancelot: Essays nowdays can be like this, I should think. Engaging the reader as an audience and not just writing an "Article". Makes it more interesting in my opinion?
That would be worrying, because not even in A levels are you allowed to write essays like this. I wonder if the English syllabus went the wrong way if people think writing like that enables them to build a foundation for A levels and academic writing.

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Old 11th October 2010, 11:19 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Re: Could you help check my essay! Thanks !

The essay is not terrible -- but it has a rambling quality about it.

If I could try to put my finger on what's wrong, I'd say it's got to do with the fact that you flit from one idea to the next, and don't fully develop any single point. Some of the ideas are also contradictory, making it rather confusing for the reader.

Paragraph 1: you say that music has "a multitude of definitions", that it is "Life".

But a sentence later, you go on to say that music is a form of story-telling.

Then you talk about how music captures the emotions of the singer, and how the composer uses music to convey his feelings. But is music then about the singer or the composer?

Then you go into the little childhood anecdote, the point which is "music is what you want it to be". But is that really sensible? Can music be a table lamp, a rhinoceros, an asteroid? The whole point about the essay is to shed light on what music is, not to beat round the bush looking for metaphors. What, for example, is the point of saying that music doesn't "despise"? That's like saying trees don't love. That way of personifying music unfortunately doesn't work.

You then talk about how music is a form of encouragement, and a steadfast companion. This is a third or fourth idea in your essay.

I'm not saying your essay can't contain more than a single idea. But you've got to make these ideas hang together properly. Can music simultaneously be "everything", be "a form of story-telling", be "a companion"?

The essay has a jumbled, haphazard feel to it -- as if you're simply writing down what first pops to mind. Even the so-called 'stream-of-consciousness' style demands a lot of planning on the writer's part. Before you begin writing, write down succinctly the two or three points you want to convey to your reader. Then keep them firmly in mind when you're writing.

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Last edited by la_nausee; 11th October 2010 at 11:23 PM.
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Old 11th October 2010, 11:24 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Re: Could you help check my essay! Thanks !

no paragraphs?
decide on the type of essay u are gonna write and stick with it like what leily was saying
and i can tell u sort of ran out of juice halfway through
with luck u can scrape through the Os with this imo

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Old 11th October 2010, 11:40 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Re: Could you help check my essay! Thanks !

ur sentence structure seems weird.

dslitemylove added 5 Minutes and 3 Seconds later...

if i want to write about music, I will write it as a story.
hmm, when i read your erm essay, Im like reading article .
are u writting an article?

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Last edited by dslitemylove; 11th October 2010 at 11:48 PM. Reason: Post Bumping
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