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Old 2nd December 2012, 05:21 PM   #1 (permalink)
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My Future In Law

Good day to SGClub bro and sis,

It's been a while since i step into SGC due to work and other commitment ie family, bgr, studies. Frankly, I have encountered too much problem in work and BGR and one of the thing that I'm also stress about is my future in laws.

Some little background about me,
I come from a not so doing well family but at least we still able to live comfortably with both my parents working. my r/s with my parents wise, not really good with dad but quite close to mum. though i know that my dad is actually a good person but just can't stand the way he handle a conversation (normally the way he talk will offend ppl) but not much of a issue with him since i'm already seasoned since young. Nevertheless, I'm still love my family the way they are.

Oh well.. until the day I met her, 5 years ago. To cut the story short, she's my dream girl. The day I first step into her house, it's totally out of my imagination. Something which I have nv expected. Her family was not so well doing like mine, but it was worse. I shall not reveal much now but to be short, her dad is the sole bread winner.

The problem here is her mum. My first impression with her? Not very good. First time we met, all she do was keep staring at me that is after greeting her. What would u do? It was my first time meeting her mum and I was totally nervous. To side track a bit, she is the first in law I met, i nv meet my other gf parents as the r/s did not last long.

Her mum is a "Full time house wife" but she does not do any house chores. Sometimes.. I would say most of the time she do weird stuffs.. like walking around the house aimlessly. I I began to feel suspicious until the day I found out that... she's mentally ill..

Till today, I'm still trying to overcome this fact and I don't feel comfortable with her. You guys most probably will say that it will be my gf who I will be marrying not her mum.. but my gf expect me to take care of her mum.

It's simple to say but to me, it's really a hard step for me to take. I can assist my gf like bringing her mum to see doc etc.. but taking care of her myself.. I can't. I can't take care of her like how I take care of my parents. Sometimes my gf will ask me to bring her mum out and I did.. and she say she will realise my change of mood as I actually didn't talk much as usual. But what can I talk about? Don't she understand?

If you are in my shoes, will you be able to accept? are you willing to commit? To what extent?

Bro and sis, just want to hear your opinions.

Thanks.

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Old 2nd December 2012, 06:17 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Re: My Future In Law

i ask you back a simple qns.

if one day your mom falls ill and you want your wife to take care of her, and she says: she can take your mom to the doctor, but she cannot take care of your mom, because it is hard. and if she takes your mom out for a walk, she will have a drop in her mood. afterall, what can she say? there is nothing to talk about.

in that situation, kindly tell us what you would do before i give you an answer.


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Old 2nd December 2012, 06:50 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Re: My Future In Law

totally understand what u mean pencil. that's why i won't reject her when she needs help.

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Old 2nd December 2012, 07:05 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Re: My Future In Law

i understand the fact the each and everyone of us grows up in different environment. some grow up in rich family, whereas some are unfortunate.

of course I will help ppl who's in need of help.. but if u understand from my point of view.. it's totally different taking care of someone who is ill and mentally ill.

I'm totally at loss of what to do at times. when i mean change of mood it doesn't mean turning bad mood just that i didn't really talk much with her mum ard. and she will keep pressing why i don't talk much..

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Old 2nd December 2012, 07:07 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Re: My Future In Law

This is simply a case of "To be Selfish? Or Selfless?"

It honestly depends on the type of person you are, there are those who can tolerate, even appreciate this kind of circumstances, who take it as a learning experience, and an opportunity to solidify their bond and relationship to their partner by treating their partner's parent no matter what kind of person they are, as if they were their own.

Then there are those who find it intolerable to live with such a parent, and would rather ruin their own relationship with their partner to protect their own sense of self and pride (or whatever other reason you have). To pretend to be selfless when you are actually selfish, especially with people not directly blood related to you is setting up a countdown to when you breakdown and go where you can't return.

This is a choice you have to make for yourself, because only you will know what kind of person you are. The most important thing is to be honest with yourself and your partner, and possibly spend some actual time taking care of her mother before you confirm your decision either way.

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Old 2nd December 2012, 07:20 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Re: My Future In Law

I won't leave my gf because of this.. if I did it would be 5 years ago.
just want to hear from bro and sis who happen to have this experience or have good advice..

i'm not really good at this.

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Old 2nd December 2012, 07:39 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Re: My Future In Law

When you marry your girlfriend, unless she is an orphan or she has siblings the fact that her mother will be reliant on you as well is inevitable. You can't just pick and chose what parts of your girlfriend you want to keep with you, and discard or ignore the rest.

It will seem all peachy in the first few years of marriage but as time goes on it will only accumulate into resentment and frustration because when it comes to family, even amongst husband and wife, no one likes the feeling of having their parents be disliked, hated or the dreaded phrase "being a burden".

So if you really want to stay with her, learn to love her mother or at least offer a solution/alternative to you having to take care of her Mother. Whether by hiring a maid or whatever else you can think of. She is her Mother after all, the person who carried her for 9 months and through much pain brought her into the world and watched her grow up. Do you honestly think your girlfriend will be satisfied by you just simply bringing this so very important person to her on doctor's visits and that's it?

While you are important to her and vice versa, don't belittle the importance she also places on how you take care of the people important to her.

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Old 2nd December 2012, 07:45 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Re: My Future In Law

frankly if u think u cannot live with her mom in future then consider hard and dun waste your gf time.

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Old 2nd December 2012, 11:31 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Re: My Future In Law

There is a Chinese phrase 爱屋及乌(ŕi wū jí wū) which means love for a person extends even to the crows on his or her roof.

No doubt the care needed for your girlfriend's mother will be tough going, and if you intend to settle down in the future with her, you have to prepare yourself for this.

So if I am in your shoes, I will commit to it 110% because that is what will make my girlfriend/wife happy, alongside easing the burden on her.

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Old 3rd December 2012, 12:24 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Re: My Future In Law

I think that is one of the challenges of being in a relationship with someone. When you choose to be with or marry someone, their family becomes yours, too, to a certain extent. Anyway, I guess that it's not everyday that you take care of her mom or accompany her to important appointments.

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Old 3rd December 2012, 10:53 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Re: My Future In Law

as all the good comments have been given by other posters on top.. I will comment on different pov..

you really need to sit down and have a deep thought.

have you ever talked about it to your parents? do you think your parents will accept it? it is not only about her parents, but also your parents! yes, as what the other posters mentioned if you love her you should accept all her flaws and her family but in the end it is still up to you. you have your rights to choose your future!

btw, some mental illness is hereditary, maybe you should find out what was the trigger behind her illness.

frankly speaking, if i am in your shoes, my parents will definitely object it. If i know it is hereditary, most likely i will give up or decided to not having next generation.

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Last edited by LostMeow; 3rd December 2012 at 11:06 AM.
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Old 3rd December 2012, 04:18 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Re: My Future In Law

dont drop the ball now. its time u man up and learn more about mental illness instead of just keeping it in a small dark compartment in your brain. and whatever the situation, its not something u wanna walk out of anyway, so its better to learn what it takes and to do it.

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Old 3rd December 2012, 04:23 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Re: My Future In Law

Hey, just to share with you my experience,
I got this girlfriend, I've been with her for a year. I love her a lot, but the problem is her mother also.

The mother controlled us, restrict us from social media like Facebook and Twitter. She restricted us to go out like town area. She forced me to live in her house and I can't go back home to visit my mom. It has been a year, I'm enduring still. Her mother bought a laptop just to make new facebook and twitter account and stalk us.

As you can see, it's weird too. So yeah. If I'm in your shoes, I'll accept the fact and do what I need to do.

5 years is long, you've come this far, you can't give up just because of the mother.

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Old 3rd December 2012, 07:55 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Re: My Future In Law

do u think u can find another girl better than ur current gf, and do u think it is worthwhile to stay together with her in spite of her mother?

through my line of work, i got to see first-hand the different reactions people have when facing mentally ill patients. though the stereotype against them are less intense (or people just dun criticise them directly), there is somehow this irrational fear/discrimination. i'm not saying that there is anything wrong with this though, this usually happens when u do not understand - what causes the mental illness, their behavioral patterns etc.

why not ask ur gf for more details, such as when did her mother start getting ill, what type of mental illness is it (as lostmeow mentioned, some illnesses have a large possibility of being hereditary. that said, having a bipolar parent may mean u are more likely than others to get bipolar, but not 100% that u will) etc.

firstly she will feel that u are trying ur best to understand and accept her mother, secondly perhaps through understanding more of her illness u can be more accepting.

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Old 5th December 2012, 12:00 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Re: My Future In Law

u should start by loving n caring her mum as your own parent.
approach method will be different but at least your gf n other family members wont be criticising u for being unfilial.
i know it sounds like a bit too unreal but once u marry her, her family is yours n your family is also hers.
theres no escape from it.

if u are worried having problem taking care of her or being part of your life, then i think u really need to tell it to your gf n ask for her opinion.
being 5 yrs together doesnt mean it will all ends well. in the end, its the marriage path that can still make a major factor in your decision to marry your gf.
if u doing it for the sake of 5 years relationship, then u need to rethink again about your relationship.

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Old 10th December 2012, 11:58 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Re: My Future In Law

I think there's a lot of truth behind that old saying that if you want to see your wife in twenty years, just look at her mom. Over and over again, it has held true. I'd spend a lot of time observing the daughter and the mom before I ever committed.

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