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Old 17th October 2010, 11:13 AM   #1 (permalink)
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New Essay for checking :) Thanks!

Hatred

The siren of the ambulance was still vivid in my mind. That was the last time I got to see my parents. I was only 5 when they were killed in a car wreck. I was then adopted into a wealthy family, my foster mother, Serene was an over-sized,bubbly person, who swayed side to side when she walked towards me. She hugged me up right into her warm chest, and I cuddled into her warmth.

Everything seemed to be perfect until the day I turned 10, when I realised that everything was not what it seemed to be. I was being treated so differently - being pampered to now, having to do all their house chores - and treated like their domestic worker. I was scolded by Serene everytime my step-sister, Janet did something wrong. I was deprived the freedom to go out. What has happened to the woman who had made me felt the secure and warmth.

I had to wake up early in the morning, from scrubbing the floor, to preparing their meals, I even had to help Janet wear her socks. She was like a devil sent from hell. She would make me do her homework and when I did it wrongly, she would beat me.

One day, I was looking at the only photo - which had already turned yellow - of my parents. It was the only possession that I had brought along with me. I was caught off guard and did not hear Janet footsteps. I quickly hid the photo at my back and looked at her.

"Hand that photo over!" she demanded with a definite tone.

Silence filled the room. My heart pounded quickly and hard, and I could hear my heartbeat loud and clear. I reluctantly handed the photo over. She looked at it with disregard, tore it and threw it into the air.

"What an old photo!" she sneered and walked off.

I kneeled down, picking up the shredded pieces. It was my last memories. Hot tears rolled down my checks and I tried to fight it back. I held the pieces close to me and told myself, Revenge! I must have my revenge.

I stomped out of my room, down into the kitchen. I picked up a knife, turned and was shocked when I saw Serene. She folded her arms, without any thoughts, I picked up an apple and walked off. I was on the verge of killing myself, I should have killed them both. I had enough of them.

Days passed by and my thoughts of revenge faded. Unfortunately for me, I suffered from a deadly illness. The days I was hospitalised, Janet accompanied me. The devil had turned into an angel over night. The hatred I had for them vague out. I mustered the courage, with all the energy left I muttered into her ears : Thank you, I love you. My eyes closed and I fell into a deep slumber, the hatred was all gone, and I never woke up again.

Comments on the content and give me advices to improve too Thanks!

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Old 18th October 2010, 11:16 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Re: New Essay for checking :) Thanks!

Someone check my essay too


Last edited by diaperpants; 18th October 2010 at 11:17 PM.
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Old 18th October 2010, 11:19 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Re: New Essay for checking :) Thanks!

Originally Posted by diaperpants View Post
Someone check my essay too
I think it's best to ask an English teacher.Tmr i giving my essays i did to my teacher to mark.

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Old 18th October 2010, 11:21 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Re: New Essay for checking :) Thanks!

is this a personal recount?

And i think its better to use third person instead of first..

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Old 18th October 2010, 11:21 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Re: New Essay for checking :) Thanks!

Originally Posted by rinnono View Post
I think it's best to ask an English teacher.Tmr i giving my essays i did to my teacher to mark.
I'm having o level so having a week break to study and I don't think my English teacher is in school

diaperpants added 2 Minutes and 57 Seconds later...

Originally Posted by Java Chips View Post
is this a personal recount?

And i think its better to use third person instead of first..
This is not a personal recount it's just some story I thought of. WhT do you meant by us third person instead of first?


Last edited by diaperpants; 18th October 2010 at 11:24 PM. Reason: Post Bumping
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Old 18th October 2010, 11:26 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Re: New Essay for checking :) Thanks!

Like, John blah blah blah.But I think personal recount is better.

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Old 18th October 2010, 11:28 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Re: New Essay for checking :) Thanks!

Originally Posted by diaperpants View Post
I'm having o level so having a week break to study and I don't think my English teacher is in school

diaperpants added 2 Minutes and 57 Seconds later...



This is not a personal recount it's just some story I thought of. WhT do you meant by us third person instead of first?
Haha of course not personal recount..

I mean use a character instead of "I"..

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Old 20th October 2010, 12:41 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Re: New Essay for checking :) Thanks!

@TS, the main problem with the essay is the jerky flow of time. First, you talk about when the narrator was 5. Then, you hope 5 years down the road. And then you jump to "one day" (presumably, still around that same time). Then you talk about how "days passed", and you were suddenly hospitalized.

Several different episodes are haphazardly strung together, and some don't fit well with the story. You begin with the ambulance siren -- but you never refer to it again. So as a plot device or an image, it's useless for you. You also talk about how Serene was once a "bubbly" person. But how is that relevant to the theme of the essay -- 'Hatred'? For example, does the narrator hate Serene even more because she only recently showed her ugly side? You don't really say. Likewise, the "deadly illness" comes without warning, as if you had plucked out a new idea from thin air.

The climax of your story is really the 'knife' incident. Unfortunately, you don't spend enough time developing it. Did the narrator carefully pick a large knife? Did she look to see if it was sharp? More importantly, why did the narrator back down when she saw Serene? She chickened out? She was reminded that it was a bad thing to kill someone? And then that last sentence "I was on the verge of killing myself" doesn't make sense -- didn't the narrator say she wanted revenge?

IMO, the last paragraph destroys the essay. The ending, especially, is neither here nor there: "I never woke up again" is as cliched as "I woke up, and it was all a dream". Always try to end strongly.

Lastly, "vague" is not a verb; there is no such phrase as "vague out". Use "petered out", "dissipated", "evaporated".

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Old 20th October 2010, 08:49 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Re: New Essay for checking :) Thanks!

Originally Posted by rinnono View Post
Like, John blah blah blah.But I think personal recount is better.
But Personal recount with I died sounds strange LOL!

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Old 20th October 2010, 10:29 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Re: New Essay for checking :) Thanks!

Originally Posted by Java Chips View Post
But Personal recount with I died sounds strange LOL!
Oh the last part.No wonder it didn't make sense to me.You die already how can you still write this essay xD lol

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