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Old 24th September 2011, 09:36 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Please comment on my english composition :)

5. Give an account of an occasion when a relative or friend asked you for advice in dealing with a difficult situation.


“You have a new e-mail,” a message popped out from the side of my computer screen.

It was from Kenny, my cousin. As we seldom contact each other through e-mail and would always talk face to face during the weekend, my guess was that it was an urgent email. True enough, Kenny wanted to consult me urgently.

Kenny’s sister, Jenny, was facing some difficulties. Kenny wanted to play the role of a responsible elder brother and hence, he asked for advice. Jenny had recently fallen out with her boyfriend. Her mood was in the doldrums after the incident. Jenny had neither slept nor ate well. This had negative repercussions on her schoolwork and health.

This whole issue caused Jenny’s immediate family to be worried sick about her. Jenny’s parents were unable to get her to go to school, even after threats of deducting her allowance or confiscating her beloved laptop. Nothing worked for Jenny. In desperation, Kenny sought my advice.

“You’ve found the right person, buddy,” I replied to Kenny’s e-mail.

I arranged to meet Jenny to give her some sound advice.

“Would you like coffee or tea?” I asked Jenny.

We found ourselves a comfortable seat at Starbucks Café. It was only after much persuasion that I managed to meet her to talk about her heart-breaking matter.

While sipping on coffee, we chatted about our daily lives for a start, before I jumped into the main topic.

Jenny poured out her heart to me and sobbed when I asked about the incident. I gently comforted her with a hug and advised her. Jenny’s boyfriend had the audacity to two-time her! My blood boiled after listening to the whole story.

I reassured Jenny that it was better that they had broken up instead of allowing her boyfriend to continue enjoying the ‘best of both worlds’.

After crying buckets, a forced smile appeared on Jenny’s face. I persuaded her to go back to school and not let her previous boyfriend destroy her grades and life.

Jenny decided to heed my advice obediently. Joy was written over my face.

Two days later, I received another e-mail from Kenny. This time, it was good news. Jenny went back to school! I was extremely glad for Jenny and for being able to help her and her family.

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Old 25th September 2011, 03:23 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Re: Please comment on my english composition :)

Your grasp of grammar and vocabulary seems pretty sound -- there are few awkward turns of phrase, and the essay reads quite naturally.

The problem is that there isn't enough dramatic tension, to capture the reader's interest. You relate things in a very matter-of-fact, almost clinical way. The actual part about giving advice is almost glossed over, in the last 5 paragraphs. Perhaps you can flesh out the story a little more. What did the 'whole story' about Jenny's boyfriend two-timing her involve? (The reader is left quite in the dark.) What was Jenny feeling exactly? (You describe her as 'sobbing', but is she angry? Bitter? Feeling betrayed? Blaming herself?) Why did Jenny decide to 'heed your advice obediently'? If things were so straightforward, why did she e-mail you in the first place?

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Old 25th September 2011, 07:48 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Re: Please comment on my english composition :)

Originally Posted by la_nausee View Post
Your grasp of grammar and vocabulary seems pretty sound -- there are few awkward turns of phrase, and the essay reads quite naturally.

The problem is that there isn't enough dramatic tension, to capture the reader's interest. You relate things in a very matter-of-fact, almost clinical way. The actual part about giving advice is almost glossed over, in the last 5 paragraphs. Perhaps you can flesh out the story a little more. What did the 'whole story' about Jenny's boyfriend two-timing her involve? (The reader is left quite in the dark.) What was Jenny feeling exactly? (You describe her as 'sobbing', but is she angry? Bitter? Feeling betrayed? Blaming herself?) Why did Jenny decide to 'heed your advice obediently'? If things were so straightforward, why did she e-mail you in the first place?
Mmhmm i get the drift now Thanks for commenting! Also, how many marks will you give my essay upon 30?

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Old 26th September 2011, 10:39 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Re: Please comment on my english composition :)

Originally Posted by wakakka View Post
Mmhmm i get the drift now Thanks for commenting! Also, how many marks will you give my essay upon 30?
I'd probably give it between 20-21 marks, depending on how generous I'm feeling. With just a little more elaboration like I suggested, I'd say the grade could go up to 23, 24.

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Old 1st October 2011, 08:48 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Re: Please comment on my english composition :)

The story is too short. You have just over 350 words, so you actually can elaborate a lot more.

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