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Old 8th June 2013, 08:45 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Please critique my essay

Hey friends,

Could anyone provide me with reasons why I was only awarded 17/30 for my essay; at the same time, what would you grade me based on the content of my essay. On a side note, please be reminded that the bold, pink words that scatter around in my essay are comments made by my english teacher from a private school.

Additionally, it would be greatly appreciate if you guys would suggest what I actually need to improve on to achieve a high grade! Attached below is the link to my essay.

Thanks a million!

http://theawesomenerd92.blogspot.sg/...n-paper-1.html

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Last edited by ryanongdc; 8th June 2013 at 09:56 PM.
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Old 8th June 2013, 09:45 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Re: Please critique my essay

This is O level English right? You wrote in the wrong format. This automatically makes you fail for task requirement. Otherwise, you would have scored higher if the piece was in the correct format.


Last edited by EightyOne; 8th June 2013 at 09:48 PM.
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Old 8th June 2013, 10:06 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Re: Please critique my essay

I'll admit that I've not seen a situational writing piece in years. But your content is alright, just work on getting your vocabulary right and you'll be set1

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Old 8th June 2013, 10:07 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Re: Please critique my essay

I probably would have given u between 14-16.I think the teacher was being kind considering your format was wrong, so u would have failed for the task component. I don't know if Cambridge appreciates humor in letters, but I know for sure school teachers don't. Same goes for other socially deviant observations/mentions: don't include these in your writings.

I believe you did this assignment at your own leisure: searching up vocabulary to include in your letter. However, many of the difficult words were not used appropriately. I think it's better to be clear and concise, using simple language rather than to risk incorrect usage or being misunderstood. Similarly, 13/20 is a bit high for the quality of this piece; I would have given less.

Good effort though; read more to gain fluency in the language.

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Old 8th June 2013, 11:34 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Re: Please critique my essay

Yes, O levels.

Nope, it was not an assignment/ homework given by my teacher during the lesson. I wrote this essay for my Mid-year examination. I believe it was just complacence on my part that I did not bother to check my work properly upon submission. Also, I agree that my teacher was lenient to me for a grade like this. Honestly, I would rather to be marked down heavily for every mistake I made in this essay. Thanks for your most open and honest critique on my essay and I will read more to improve on my language!


Last edited by ryanongdc; 8th June 2013 at 11:35 PM.
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Old 9th June 2013, 12:29 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Re: Please critique my essay

2 main problems with your essay:

1. Too many awkward sounding phrases that are just unnatural.
Try not to use things that are overly descriptive, like "The sky there is ocean blue and the sea is emerald green". This is extremely unnatural and it seems like directly translated from Chinese. What I'm saying is, in Chinese essays this will be awesome to write 天空如海洋般的藍,海則如磚石般的綠, but avoid these in English! Write consisely, clearly, and straight to the point. A reasonably good writing need not have overly elaborated vocabulary and expressions.

In the day time, you may also visit the Flower Paradise in the eastern part of Sentosa. As the period you visit Singapore falls during the spring, the flowers will bloom magnificently and beautifully.
You can consider visiting the Flower Paradise in the day time. It is located in the eastern part of Sentosa, and a wide range of species of flowers are on exhibit. Moreover, since you will be visiting in spring, it coincides with the flower blooming season and you will be delighted with the beautiful and magnificent flowers on show.

Being a fan of historical grounds, I suggest that you may wish to visit Palau Ubin. The sky there is ocean blue and the sea is emerald green. If you were to view Palau Ubin in a hundred-storey building, the island is dotted with beautiful huts and jungles. It is an island that preserves the dwellings of olden days.
Having an adoration for historical grounds, I suggest that you may wish to visit Pulau Ubin. The island preserves the "kampung grounds", which are the dwellings of the olden days. It is scattered with well-preserved huts and jungles, as well as crystal-clear water around the island, in which an amazing diversity of aquatic life resides.

You may enjoy sips of vintage wine while watching luscious Filipino ladies dancing at the dance floor. (not suitable. This is a formal report) In Singapore, you do not have to worry about being killed in the street during mid-night. (Huh. Don't be funny) Hence, you may hang out at bar till late night hours.
You may enjoy sips of vintage wine while enjoying your night out in the night club. Singapore is one of the safest cities in the world, and crime is almost non-existent in Singapore. Therefore you do not have to worry about hanging out at the bar even till late hours.

2. Wrong format

Take care of your formality when writing the essay. watching luscious Filipino ladies dancing at the dance floor and you do not have to worry about being killed in the street during mid-night sounds extremely casual and too immature.

Also, do note to take care of your grammar and spelling...
So relieved this is not an actual writing to a foreigner... Learn how to spell our local names please. Pulau, not Palau. Clarke not Clark. Mass Rapid Transit (MRT), not Mass Rapid Train.

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Last edited by aforl; 9th June 2013 at 12:33 AM.
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Old 9th June 2013, 12:48 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Re: Please critique my essay

wow.

you are trying too hard to make the essay sound sophisticated.

even your "reflection". Odious inwardly? seriously?

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Old 11th June 2013, 04:03 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Re: Please critique my essay

Originally Posted by ryanongdc View Post
Hey friends,

Additionally, it would be greatly appreciate if you guys would suggest what I actually need to improve on to achieve a high grade! Attached below is the link to my essay.

Thanks a million!

http://theawesomenerd92.blogspot.sg/...n-paper-1.html
It was very painful reading. It read like something that was written in another language and then translated into English. the phrasing was wrong. Wrong word choice. Wrong sentence order.

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Old 11th June 2013, 07:17 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Re: Please critique my essay

Many sentences and phrases used sounded unnatural + inappropriate. Personally I would have failed you. Also please take note of the tone used - at various points the tone is too informal (even if it were an informal letter).

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Old 11th June 2013, 08:35 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Re: Please critique my essay

Well. I didn't know that was a formal report. As i was reading it, i thought it was an informal letter writing to a friend.
Sentence construction needs to improve on.

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Old 11th June 2013, 09:53 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Re: Please critique my essay

Thanks for taking the time to read my trashy essay. I am so grateful that all of you have provided me with constructive comments. At least I know what mistakes I have made and I will improve on my sentence structures and avoid bombastic words/ phrases.
(:

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Old 11th June 2013, 10:36 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Re: Please critique my essay

Originally Posted by ryanongdc View Post
Thanks for taking the time to read my trashy essay. I am so grateful that all of you have provided me with constructive comments. At least I know what mistakes I have made and I will improve on my sentence structures and avoid bombastic words/ phrases.
(:
Btw just some personal questions, are you retaking your O levels? Or taking for the first time?

Just a shout out - I just read your blog, and I realised you have a lot of friends that I know and you might have even heard of me from them too.

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Last edited by aforl; 11th June 2013 at 10:37 PM.
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Old 12th June 2013, 12:20 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Re: Please critique my essay

Hmmm, try not to use so many bombastic words, it makes the sentences sound awkward...

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Old 12th June 2013, 06:09 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Re: Please critique my essay

Originally Posted by aforl View Post
Btw just some personal questions, are you retaking your O levels? Or taking for the first time?

Just a shout out - I just read your blog, and I realised you have a lot of friends that I know and you might have even heard of me from them too.
Well. His SGC's profile shows that he is 24yo. That's makes me wonder too..

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Old 12th June 2013, 10:18 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Re: Please critique my essay

Hey yeah, I'm turning 24 this year. And I had taken my Os quite a few years ago and I didn't do well. I had since admitted to a poly but had quitted because of some personal issues.

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Old 12th June 2013, 10:19 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Re: Please critique my essay

Originally Posted by aforl View Post
Btw just some personal questions, are you retaking your O levels? Or taking for the first time?

Just a shout out - I just read your blog, and I realised you have a lot of friends that I know and you might have even heard of me from them too.
Hmm.. Who are the people that you know? LOL. I'm so curious.

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Old 12th June 2013, 10:21 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Re: Please critique my essay

Originally Posted by ryanongdc View Post
Hmm.. Who are the people that you know? LOL. I'm so curious.
u guys might be classmates.

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Old 12th June 2013, 10:37 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Re: Please critique my essay

The format is wrong. The expression is junky and hard to read.
In informal letter, you dont twist around. Write directly.

"I am glad that you have decided to extend your stay in Singapore and I hope that the proceeding (wrong word) following recommendations could assist you to explore more things in your upcoming trip."

For example,

"I welcome your extended stay in Singapore. There are a few places that I can recommend to explore."

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Old 12th June 2013, 11:33 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Re: Please critique my essay

Originally Posted by supreme87 View Post
u guys might be classmates.
Nope. I don't know him personally.

Originally Posted by ryanongdc View Post
Hmm.. Who are the people that you know? LOL. I'm so curious.
Hint: 708. LOL. Let's not discuss this here, anything else PM me.

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Old 19th June 2013, 08:49 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Re: Please critique my essay

I think that you had some pretty good ideas, but there were a lot sentence structure problems, even some that your instructor didn't seem to point out. For example, if a clause begins with an "if" then you should have a "then" somewhere in the sentence; a sentence can't stand alone as a dependent clause. There has to be an independent clause to follow it.

Personally, I agree with the others above with regard to grading.

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